12 Husband Wife Jokes That Are Hilarious

The best marriage and wedding jokes collection on the internet!

My friend asked me if I had some funny marriage jokes. I said no, but asked her why she wanted to read such jokes. Note that she is a 35-year-old woman and a mother of two! She told me that her husband was kind of becoming a jerk, so she wanted to roast him with few jokes about marriage, especially the ones that target husbands. I quickly searched Google for marriage humor but disappointed with the unclear and cluttered results.

HENCE – HENCE – I decided to write a nice and funny article about marriage, wedding, husband and wife jokes, so people who are looking for them will find them all at one place.

I don’t know why you want to read marriage jokes, but as you are here to read them, go ahead and do that! PS: None of these jokes target husbands or wives in particular. It’s a mixed bag!

1) This Funny Wife Joke

A police officer calls his boss and says, “We have a very interesting case here. A crazy woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor that she just mopped.”

The baffled boss responds, “Oh my god! Are you serious? Is the husband dead? Call medical support immediately. Did you arrest her?”

The police officer answers, “No, I haven’t arrested her yet.”

The boss asks, “Why?”

The officer replies, “Well, the floor is still wet!”

2) Now a Husband Joke!

A woman sees her husband standing on the weight scale and notices him sucking his stomach inside.

She says, “Sucking in your stomach will not change the number. That’s not going to help at all. You need to work out to get rid of your beer belly.”

Unhappy about his wife’s criticism, the husband tells her, “If I don’t suck my stomach in, I can’t see the number. Dumb b*tch!”

3) One of the Best Husband and Wife Jokes

A middle-aged couple is sitting together watching a movie while sipping on some nice wine. The wife suddenly says, “I love you.” The surprised husband asks her, “Is that you or the wine that is speaking? The wife affirms that it is she who is talking, not the wine. She adds, “But, I’m talking to the wine bottle!”

4) This Hilarious Wives Joke

A man posted an ad on Craigslist stating that he needed a wife. He received over 100 replies, and all of them read more or less the same as, “You can take mine!”

5) This Funny Argument Between a Husband and Wife

One day and wife a husband argued over the husband’s aversion to the wife’s family members. The wife was upset over how her husband disliked her relatives including her mother and father. She demanded an explanation from him regarding his abhorrence of her family. The husband quietly told her, “I don’t hate your family members. In fact, I love your mother in law more than my mother in law!”

6) When Genie Met a Husband

A husband met Genie once, and Genie promptly granted him two wishes. Genie was aware of the man’s hate for his mother in law, so the wishes came with a small condition. The mother in law would get twice of whatever the man wished for, be it money, cars, or an expensive home. The man asked billion dollars as a first wish. Genie granted! He asked ovarian cancer as the second wish, and dumbstruck genie had no choice but to grant it!

7) This Bad Joke About Marriage

How do most men describe marriage? A marriage is a very huge investment upfront to get laundry done free for a lifetime!

8) This Silly Wife!

A wife and husband were visiting a holy place, located thousands of miles away from their country. Unfortunately, the husband passed away mid trip. A local undertaker told the woman that she could have her husband buried in the holy place for just $200 or had the body shipped to her place for $5000. The women wanted her husband’s body transported back to her home country. The surprised undertaker asked the woman, “People consider it very fortunate to be able to die at this holy place. Some rich people spend thousands of dollars to have the dead bodies of the family members buried here. Why do you want to take away your husband’s body, spending a lot of money? The woman replied, “Three thousand years ago, a man was buried here. Three days later, he rose from the dead. I don’t want to take any chance!”

9) Now, This Silly Husband

A man shopping in a supermarket approached a smoking hot woman and asked, “Hey, I have lost my wife here in the market. Can you please talk to me for a few minutes?” The girl with a puzzled face replied, “Why?” The man told her, “Every time I speak with a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere!”

10) This Funny and Stupid Husband

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the tattoo artist to ink a $100 bill on his penis. The shocked tattoo artist asked the man what was his motive behind the bizarre tattoo idea. The man told him three reasons. 1) I like to play with my money. 2) I like to watch my money grow. 3) A $100 bill seems to the only thing my will blow these days lately!

11) This Uproarious Wife and Husband Joke

Wife: Why do you always roam in the garden or front yard whenever I sing?

Husband: I do so because neighbors may think I’m beating you!

12) This Naughty Husband

A wife and husband begins cuddling in bed. A few moments later, the husband stars feeling her body.

Wife: No, not today. I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow.

Disappointed husband then quietly rolls over to the other side of the bed.

After a few minutes, he asks her, “Do you have a dentist appointment too?”

Do you like the jokes? If so, don’t forget to share them with your friends!

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